I’m just very done with things and life keeps going on

trigger warnings if they are needed: eating issues and depression. I've always had issues with my mental health and I've worked so hard on them with my therapist for almost 4 years. Lately though I've regressed. I moved to live with my partner but to a country where I'm not so good at the language (everyone told me i wouldn't need it and i stupidly believed them), i'm currently unemployed and for the first time in my life i am clinically overweight. I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia on and off since I was 12 but since working through it i've just slowly gained an insane amount of weight. I eat literally 5% of what my 'normal weight' partner does and I go for walks almost every day. I've come off my antidepressants because I thought they were the culprit and I'd come off my birth control too but I'd be scared I'd get worse more mentally. Today it kinda hit a wall for me, it's obviously a constant thing because being heavier is triggering the ED thoughts but i'm trying to ignore them but earlier me and my boyfriend were looking at pictures from a holiday we were on and I saw a picture and before I could stop myself I said 'god i look fat' and he for some insane reason said 'you want to see a worse one' and showed me one that I had actually seen many times and was okay with but was suddenly now seeing how horrific I look. I tried not to get upset because we've been fighting more lately and I've been crying a lot so I didn't want to make him feel bad but it made me feel horrible. I know i'm fat, i want to do something about it but I'm struggling to find the balance between going back into eating disorder tendancies and being healthy while also dealing with depression, separation from my family and friends, the death of my childhood pet and 6 months of unemployment that I can't even claim benefits from because i'm not from this country. On top of that, my therapist is (i think) ghosting me, i don't know why and I clearly need more work.

I just am sick of constantly feeling awful about every aspect of my existence.