I think I'm having a meltdown

Almost started crying during a birthday party, being out in social settings feels so suffocating, no matter what I do I ruin it, I feel like I don't even deserve to be happy, everything is so overwhelming... I'll never be able to be who I want. I don't deserve to try. I somehow feel envious of every girl I see yet I dont have the courage to take a single step I'm now in my bed crying, why am I like this, what do I even do. I'm terrible at being a man and I 'd be even worse as a woman. I need therapy