Adult children of Nparents, how old were you when you finally fully realized you were abused?

This happened just last year for me. I am in my 30s.

I always knew she was cruel, but I was so isolated I didn't realize how horrific it was because I didn't know what was "normal."

I feel like I noticed a common trend that a lot of children of Nparents grow up conditioned to believe it is normal. We sometimes even blame ourselves because that is what we were taught to do. Then by the time we get enough distance from our Nparents, we're dysfunctional adults trying to piece our lives together (not back together - together for the first time).

ETA:

I like to list and intellectualize things. I guess it's a coping mechanism. As I was reading through everyone's posts, I made some notes and wrote down their age that they said really started understanding the abuse. This is what I have.

Ages that people identified as being their full realization (so far):

10 or less: 21

11 to 20: 53

21 to 30: 90

31 to 40: 84

41 to 50: 24

51 to 60: 6

61 to 70: 6

No age given but sometime in adulthood: 7

Unclear: 19

Notes:

  • Many people simply said 20s, 30s, 40s, so I grouped them 21-30, 31-40, etc. (I probably should have done this as 0-9, 10-19, 20-29, etc, but my brain defaulted to the other mode. I didn't realize until I was 80% of the way through the posts).
  • If someone gave an age range, it was usually "late" 20s, 30s, 40s, etc.
  • Most people who figured it out early had a trusted friend or counselor figure who helped them understand it was abuse.
  • Many, many people started figuring out at earlier ages, but they didn't fully realize the scope of it until later.
  • Many people realized when they moved out on their own and started developing their own lives.
  • Others got fully hit by it when they had their own kids.
  • Some people gave really definitive ages for light bulb moments they had, whereas others unfolded the truth over time.
  • Many people still feel they haven't fully uncovered the complete reality.
  • We all deserve love and healing regardless of when we realize the abuse.

Anyway, maybe people will find this interesting. It makes me personally feel better to see others have realized all throughout their lives. I felt a little stupid for not realizing it was abuse earlier. Some things were blatantly abusive, but certain other cruelties just got a pass because I just thought it was normal. Then, realizing it wasn't normal made me feel dumb and inhuman for not realizing it was wrong earlier. Reading the comments helps.