The inconveniences that come with trauma.
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault
I'm drained. It's 3:19 since I began writing this, and l need to vent about the things I resent even more than my trauma itself.
Sleep deprivation: tonight, I woke up thinking his hands were pinning my throat down on the mattress again. I'm surviving on just three hours of sleep a day, and it's wearing me thin.
Cold sweats: Whenever I feel even a little on edge, I break out in cold sweat. It's like I've walked through a sprinkler in the middle of December. It’s freezing and unpleasant.
Memory and cognitive decline??: My mind feels sluggish. I used to excel academically, but now I struggle to process even a single paragraph. l've managed to lose the thousand-yard stare I once had (shout out to a guy who pointed out my eyes creeped him out). On the bright side, I no longer dissociate for weeks or months at a time. That's progress, I suppose.
Sensitivity to voices: I used to be patient, and could handle louder tones and faster conversations. Now, I flinch when someone calls my name or speaks too loudly. Even my boyfriend's excitement-his faster, louder speech-overwhelms me. He understands when I walk away or shut down, but it feels so rude, and I hate that I can't handle a mere conversation that isn’t monotone.
Sometimes, my chest aches, my lungs close up, and I'll stumble. For a moment, I'll wonder if my body has finally reached its limit, and I feel a fleeting sense of hope that it has.
Then I get back up, disappointed-maybe even resentful in myself-that those thoughts were some kind of subconscious wishful thinking.
I know progress isn't linear etc etc etc. But I wonder how much longer my body can endure the constant anxiety and relentless sleep deprivation. And some days, I can't help but think maybe l'd be better off dead to escape these incessant little battles.