Greetings, fellow patriots. And welcome back to the sixth edition of Democratically Accurate Weapons Overview. I am your SEAF Science Division's Weapons R&D host u/Doctor_Walrus_1052. Now, so far we've covered pretty much a "monkey see, monkey love" fast, explosive weapons. Which is fair, I suppose. Statistically speaking, it's a match in terms of average Helldiver's preference, and a good indicator of their IQ. But this time we'll go over something that is a rare case. Something that requires just a bit of opposite.

Without further ado, lets dive right in

The LAS-99 Quasar Cannon: For When You Want Infinite Destruction… Slowly

The LAS-99 Quasar Cannon is not just a weapon—it’s a way. A big, glowing, sci-fi death machine that says, “Why bother with ammo logistics or overheating when I can obliterate you on my own time?” It’s the ultimate combination of infinite firepower and infinite patience, perfect for those who like their battles punctuated with moments of quiet reflection, writing a haiku, while their weapon cools off.

What Is the LAS-99?

The LAS-99 Quasar Cannon is a single-shot energy weapon that doesn’t play by the rules of conventional warfare. Or conventional anything, or any rules at all. Forget about magazines, heat sinks, or running out of ammo—this bad boy is powered by the stars themselves. It fires devastating bursts of energy capable of vaporizing enemies and their hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

But here’s the catch: you’re only getting one shot at a time. After every blast of cosmic devastation, the LAS-99 enters a long cooldown phase, venting heat with the grace of a nuclear reactor on its lunch break. During this time, it’s about as useful as a paperweight—just a really big, glowing, and vaguely threatening paperweight.

Infinite Ammo, But at What Cost?

The LAS-99 doesn’t need ammo because it doesn’t believe in limitations. Its energy source is basically a mystery to science—probably some combination of quantum physics, dark matter, and likely the tears of your enemies. This means you’ll never run out of shots, but don’t get too excited—that cooldown timer is gonna test your patience harder than your last university group project.

Handling Characteristics

Firing the LAS-99 feels like holding a tiny piece of the sun and pointing it at something you hate. It’s got a decent weight, a satisfying hum of raw power, and the kind of recoil that says something inspiring, like “You just did something catastrophic.”

But once you’ve fired? You wait. And wait. And wait some more. Because while the LAS-99 cools itself down with advanced heat venting tech, it’s completely unusable until it’s ready to go again. If patience isn’t your thing, this weapon will absolutely make you regret picking it. Which it probably will. Statistically speaking, every 99 out of 100 helldivers are dying from a frustration if they don't fire something within an average of 2.9 seconds. Which probably explains why a lot of helldivers never sneak past patrols, and simply engage them, even though they haven't been made, yet.

Pros & Cons

Pros:

• Infinite ammo: Never worry about reloading again.
• Self-cooling system means no heat sinks or tedious maintenance.
• Devastating damage output that makes your enemies question whoever is their equivalent of higher deity, why would they be born in the same timeline as you.

Cons:

• Long cooldown time after every shot. Hope you brought snacks.
• Completely unusable while venting heat, so good luck if you miss.
• Requires a level of patience not typically found in explosive-happy divers.

Pro Tips for Quasar Connoisseurs™

1. Make your shots count. Missing with the LAS-99 isn’t just embarrassing—it’s borderline criminal.
2. Use cover during cooldowns. Because when you’re waiting for weapon to cool down, everyone else isn’t.
3. Bring backup. Pair this with a fast-firing secondary weapon, or better yet, a friend who can distract the enemies while you wait. No sacrifice for democracy is too big. Except when it is Democracy

Final Verdict™

The LAS-99 Quasar Cannon is a weapon for the strategist, the thinker, and the person who understands that patience is a virtue. It’s not for spray-and-pray divers or those who demand instant gratification—it’s for the calm, collected destroyer who knows that one well-placed shot is all they need.

So grab the LAS-99, find your target, and remember: Cosmic obliteration takes time.