I wish my mother didn't destroy my life.

My mom destroyed me, I miss her, but she destroyed me. What I mean is, after I turned ten, she would start going out and disappear for hours on end, she became a drug addict quick and went in and out of jail, one morning I woke up to nobody home and I was only thirteen, terrified and didn't know what to do, and for the longest time, I feel like her drug problems were my fault, maybe she was tired of putting up with me or I did something to make her turn to drugs, I really don't know. All I know is I would be late to school every single day because she was too tired to drop me off and she didn't want my dad to take the car so she would give him a hard time about taking it, and there were many times I came home from school to random people I had never seen before in my life at my house.

She and my dad got into a heated argument on Christmas Eve of 2019, like almost a full on screaming match about something I don't remember much, all I remember is she was accusing my dad of doing drugs when she was the one that would go out doing them. I never had any idea what to do, I was a child, I had no escape to the constant arguing, I had no escape to her constantly selling my belongings for drug money, she lied to me about so many things I don't even want to imagine what else she's probably lied about. I still have no idea why she treated me like this, what did I do? Was I not a good enough son? Is it truly my fault that she's gone? I just wanted a mom.