Pregnancy envy
Okay this is going to sound awful and I hate myself all the time for thinking like this, but I can’t seem to get over it. And wondering if it will ever go away because it makes me miserable. Please no judgement. I just have no one else to talk to about this, that would understand.
I have two beautiful, wonderful baby girls. 2.5 and 6 months. They are my joy in life and the only thing I want to do for the foreseeable future is be with them as much as I can. So the issue is, everyone I know seems to be getting pregnant. My brother and SIL, 2 cousins, colleagues of mine - all due in the spring. Although I am Happy for them I am so jealous that they all get to experience the newborn and first year when my baby is going to be 1.
Ever since she was born, and even my first I just miss each day and month that goes by and I cry all the time about time passing so quickly and my kids growing. I love watching them grow but I just want time to slow down. I guess it bugs me that my baby’s first year will be over and theirs are just starting. I just sooo badly want to be able to do this again.
I don’t know if I’ll have a 3rd, I would love to but I worry about the following things:
My marriage, would it survive another? Baby’s are amazing but the more you add I worry it will take away time from the relationship and sometimes creates resentment.
If we would be able to get a baby sitter to look after all 3 if we wanted to go on date.
The price of family trips for five ppl. I know it’s do able we both have good jobs but flights become more expensive to buy for 5. And my husband is really itching to travel again.
If I would have enough energy and time for my other kids. Would I always be overwhelmed and trying to make everyone happy? Would I even be able to spend the time with each of them that they need. I don’t want anyone growing up feeling like they were neglected.
Those are my biggest worries. If we did have another I would want to wait until my little one was 2 to start TTC. I know my husband is happy with our two girls, but I think he would be open to another one later on. So I don’t think that is an issue.
Anyways, I’m just really struggling. Don’t know if this is PPD or PPA, but I constantly think about having another or not and how jealous I am of everyone else in my life who gets to experience this for the first time, or again. I hate it. And my mom keeps saying things like, once you’re done with “such and such baby things you can give them to your brother.” Well this bugs me because what if I’m not done? And she just keeps assuming, or making comments that she won’t help if I ever have another. So this isn’t helpful and just adds to my sadness. I just feel like I should be happy, and I am grateful, I make lists and say it everyday, I am. But I don’t feel satisfied or “done” even though certain ppl are expecting me to be.
Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading if you got this far.