surviving and growing pains

I’m looking for advice on how to pick myself up after an illness and a failure to launch. I’ve had a lovely relationship with someone for 5 years and never felt the desire to be married until recently.

Life came at my quite fast a few years ago and I had to have multiple and brutal treatments for breast cancer. Suddenly I was signing forms and filling out “single.” I had to make notes in my medical file to have my partner as my emergency contact. I wanted them to make medical decisions for me if I wasn’t able because my parents have both passed. My partner sat with me through every appointment and was waiting for me after every treatment and surgery. I saw the value of being married in those difficult moments.

It’s been hard but now I’m healed and healthy. Having been through so much, I wanted to celebrate our relationship and marry them. I thought this would have been an easy “yes” but they told me they needed to think about it. They have only given me a timid affirmation they want to be with me.

It is hard to not feel broken by this. My body is scarred but I’m not ashamed of it. I’m proud to have survived and feel like I’ve grown so much. I only feel bad when I think of asking them why they don’t want me the same way. I love them and I can see a future with them but I’m struggling to not feel down. I’m hoping someone else here can offer advice/support if they went through something similar.