I don't understand why people want kids, I really don't.

I keep thinking about this phenomena I read about with female sheep whereby 40 - 50% of all female sheep that give birth reject the lamb despite the fact that they have carried the baby. Because science would suggest in society that, because a woman carries a baby, she is bound to be biologically wired to care for her offspring following birth, right? I haven't done research into EVERY species of animal there is, but the same phenomena occurs in a LOT of different species. We can't explain it apparently, but these mothers just lack any semblance of a maternal instinct, and I keep thinking about how that probably applies to humans as well, and myself. We just don't bother researching this thing when it comes to people, because we 'need' women to keep having babies apparently.

Everybody close to me (particularly family members) refuses to accept that I don't want or even like children. To be honest I kind of hate them, and I can't even give a good reason why. I don't hate them properly, because they're just kids after all and they haven't done anything, but whatever instinct controls the rest of the world is definitely not in my programming at all.

At the moment, my TikTok fyp is being blasted with videos saying 'no baby fever? well, now you do' with videos of babies....being babies. I hate those videos. They feel like harassment, or a quiet threat. I can't say that without being told I'm being sensitive though. Even the comments on these videos feel alienating. On one video, I saw a comment from a young girl my age saying 'After uni. After uni. After uni. After uni.' Like some kind of mantra? I can CONFIDENTLY say that not once in my life have I ever laid eyes upon a baby or a child and felt anything. I feel as emotionally indifferent looking at one as I would looking at a rock. If anything, my ovaries shrivel up instead of tingling with this so-called 'baby fever' that the whole world keeps raving about. All I feel is disgust, and it's hard to not to show it (i.e. people have told me that it's obvious that I am deeply uncimfortable). I can't even get myself to pretend I like them.

The constant comments from my friends and family saying 'you'll change your mind one day' are starting to feel like borderline harassment. I know I'm not broken. I'm in the human 40-50%. But, from a societal standpoint, I am an anomaly. My 'primal instincts' are flawed. I'm nothing like the rest of the population. Maybe being biologically defective in this way means that societal rejection is a must. It makes sense if we're talking about primal instincts - other people would just reject the odd one out, naturally.

My mum's friend came over just a bit over a year ago now, with her two granddaughters. One was a baby and one was a toddler, and I'd told myself to at least try to be open to anything feelings that I might experience regarding the kids, like baby fever. Firstly, I felt physically ill when they started to insist that I held the baby in my lap. I hated it more than words can describe. I hated her weight on my legs, I hated how she moved around and how he grabbed at my hands. It sounds extreme but I felt physically nauseous during the whole thing, I just wanted it to be over with. Then, my mum showed me how to carry the baby on my hip, even though I said that I really, really didn't want to. Again, I hated it, SO much. And then, on top of how I was already feeling, my mum, my stepdad and my mum's friend all started to wistfully comment on how perfect the sight was, reminiscing over the idea of me and my 'future baby'. Again, sorry for the extreme language, but it honestly felt cult-y. It felt threatening sort of, because I have tried a million times to express how much I never want that life for myself.

People confuse me. My friend's whole personality - AT EIGHTEEN (which is wild to me) - is to someday marry her boyfriend and have several kids with him. She's so enthusiastic about the idea, almost passionate. And I get it to a point - her and her boyfriend have been together for years now, and it's her life not mine. But the whole thing makes me feel confused and kind of disgusted. I mean, how is that her end goal? That is her life plan, she has no other ambitions. Why would you WANT to get pregnant? What?? Why would someone want something like that? I want her to do what makes her happy obviously. Happiness means different things to different people, but I really don't get it.

Edit: I don't hate kids, they're innocent and I think that because of that they are a very special part of society. I just meant that I don't find it easy to interact with them and that I really don't like the idea of being a mother. Sorry for my poor wording.