Thoughts on the fandom as someone with PTSD

I kind of resent the way a lot of the fandom loves on Janine when contrasted with how people really, really hate June. Like, to me, it just goes to show how people in everyday life need someone to be a perfect, innocent victim before they can sympathize with them. It really goes to show just how necessary it is for traumatized people to regress, fawn, and be overly permissive in order to protect themselves.

I know it's not so black-and-white- June has done shitty things, and made poor choices (and contrived writing is another issue entirely)- but the fandom just shows how many people are not trauma informed and fail to comprehend WHY June behaves the way she does, and the ways that such incredible, sustained violence and disruption can completely destroy a person's psyche.

I love this show. As someone who has also been through long-term, sustained trauma (including threats to my life), it's SO validating to see people onscreen expressing the feelings I can't express. June's testimony in court was like a wish fulfillment scene for me. But because I resonate with this show so strongly, I can only take the fandom in tiny chunks, because the outpouring of hate towards June reminds me of ways I, too, have been treated in response to expressing my trauma.

I feel like I could talk forever about how I see pieces of my own experiences reflected in this show. I feel June's anger but have Janine's mask (totally unintentional, btw- and I'm working on breaking that mask down, even though it's more than a decade strong.) I have experienced June's shitty support system of equally-traumatized people who sometimes do more harm than good. I've experienced the housing instability, the fear for the safety not only of yourself but for those you love. And, I've experienced the response- being told I'm "overreacting," "lying," that I have everything I need to be happy, so if I'm not happy, it's my own fault. I've experienced the isolation, because you really can't tell anybody who didn't go through it themselves. And I've experienced the total inability to truly connect after dismantling my personality in the name of survival.

This has been on my mind for some time. I'm certain that there are others who have experienced their own traumas, watched the show, and feel the same.

I eagerly anticipate season 6, but I wish I were at some mentally healthy spot where I could enjoy the fandom in real time.