Not an angry rant somehow
Reason I'm writing this is because it's been an hour and I still can't sleep thinking about her, so maybe this Will help me sleep. Gonna be a pretty long rant (can't post on r/rant because that's only for adults), but I just want to sort my thoughts and knowing that some dude is going to see this somehow brings me comfort.
Anyway, so basically there's girl I've liked for quite a while. At first I had very few friends, and considering this my feelings for her were probably me mistaking platonic love with romantic one, but they sure seem to have become truly romantic sometime along the way. We met back in 2021 (I should mention: I was 12 and she was 9, now I'm 15 and she's 13) and she's the sister of my sister's best friend. After that, she and I saw each other literally every day of the week (Monday through Sunday) and especially in Saturdays it was mainly my sister, her sister, she and me. Since my sister and hers talked to each other most of the time, we didn't have much else to do but talk, and we turned out to become fast friends. After that we talked six out of seven days in a week, and it was all going fine. About two years later I started developing feelings for her, which I tried to suppress but found myself not being able to. I must've been pretty obvious though, because people caught on almost immediately and started calling us a couple.. We kind of drifted apart because of this, since neither of us wanted to be in a romantic relationship. Anyway, considering I only see my only other friend every other week, I started feeling pretty lonely. I tried making friends with multiple people, but we just didn't click the same way I clicked with my two friends. Anyway, lately people kind of forgot about the whole ordeal and we started being friends again, talking whenever we had the chance. We talk much less now, since now we have recess at different hours, but we still have some time on Saturdays. Specifically, yesterday we had a very long conversation and it felt so... Right. Like it was meant to be. I have this thing where I have an exaggerated sense of pride so I try to compliment myself during conversation, so against my better judgement, I started doing that but with her as a form of very unflirariius flirting (saying "us beautiful people" instead of "as a handsome dude"). She seemed to kind of... Like it? She usually just giggled which made my heart do a triple backflip. We talked for one hour and 15 minutes, and after that we also talked through our phones for another 45 minutes until we decided 11:45 PM was late enough. Anyway, I really, really don't want to screw it up this time (I'm perfectly fine with being just friends) But I just don't know what to do. There's also the fact that I'm guessing the reason we drifted apart was the not so subtle teasing done by seemingly everyone (our classmates, parents, even teachers) but it might have been something else? I don't know. I just can't sleep after an hour and I think I should go to bed. Will this make me sleep easier? Probably not. But at least I'll try it. It was certainly fun. I know nobody's going to read this 200 page long essay but maybe some will read the first few parts? Idk. Peace.