when does it end fr

I broke up with my ex a few months ago and initially, and even now I am very sad and I miss him a lot. I broke up with him because we were toxic as fuck and he pushed me for the last time I guess. I did want to get back together but we didn’t. Time keeps moving and I’ve been anxious that the longer we go without talking the more he’ll slip away and the chances of us getting back together dissipate.

I’ve been struggling with my feelings lately. I feel so sad and lost without him but I’m also starting to get really upset about the way he treated me for months and months and all the fucked up shit he did. It’s such a difficult way to feel. I feel like I am grieving the loss of him and our relationship but also starting to experience so much… disgust and even anger with the way he treated me.

I just want to wash my hands of the situation and forget I ever met him, but it’s so hard when I am still grappling with these feelings of longing and anger and sadness. I want him but he doesn’t deserve me.

I just wish this shit was linear and that I could get over it. Like fuck.