Advice/Perspective/Opinion on baby situations.

I had 3 daughters but always wanted a son… My first baby is 11, my second is 6, and my third one died at about 3 months old due to SIDs. It was awful. With both my second and third we had hoped for a boy but got girls. I was of course a little disappointed but I love them regardless of gender.

Well it's been a little more than a year since baby died and my youngest has recently been talking a lot about missing her baby sister and has started telling me she wants me to have a baby. In small kid friendly words I've tried to explain my health is not in the best state for another baby right now and she suggested we have someone else give us a baby lol. She really wants a younger sibling and I do wish I could give her that. I would love to have another and hopefully it would be a boy… but I'm not sure if I am ready.

Plus my mother is dying and I would hate to have 1 more baby and miss it. She's on hospice and really doesn't have too much longer left. She was there for all 3 of them and she mourned the baby hard because originally we said after her we would not have anymore. She also hoped I would have a boy and she was sad that after the 3rd one I didn't want anymore because she was certain if I did have a 4th it would finally be the boy lol. I'm the only kid of my mom's to give her grandbabies, my siblings can't. The baby died right before the surgery to have my tubes removed so I decided to wait just in case. I was very very determined not to have another after her but then she died and a part of me just feels so incomplete.

I wanted 3 kids, I got 3 kids, but I only got to keep 2. I still wish I had 3 and there is no replacement for my baby. I know the future I had in mind is forever changed, but I mean, I could try again and still have the 3 I wanted… but I'm terrified something else would happen or even the same thing. It's complicated and hard.

If I did decide to go ahead and try I would do it soon in hopes that maybe just maybe my mother would be able to hold on long enough to see the baby born. She's a very strong woman and a fighter. Like she was given 2 weeks to live, 4 months ago now. She isn't ready to go and a part of me feels that if I did get pregnant she would muster whatever strength she has left just to stay long enough to hold that baby once.

I thought maybe I could get the thoughts, opinions and advice of internet strangers and see if someones words would resonate or strike me in a way to help my head get straighter. I need some perspectives.

I'm also looking for advice on how to talk to my 6 year old if we decide not to have another one and how to possibly explain it to her in a way she can understand.